It’s been 5 months since my mom passed and I still can’t think of her without crying. I just wish for the day when I can think of my mom without crying. Why does it seem to last for so long? I’ve been very depressed lately and some days are better than others, but it often feels as  if I’m on a roller-coaster. I just want to keep it together for the rest of my family. I don’t like falling apart in front of everyone. I wish there was an easy solution to all of this pain. I just want my mom back in my life. I want her to be here for me! I want my dad to not be lonely. I know he is. I don’t know if writing this allows me to express how I feel, or is it just a reminder of how much I’ve lost?
 
 
You say it’s been just “five months since my mom passed and I still can’t think of her without crying.” First of all, I recently loss my Mom and I’m experiencing and still dealing with exactly the same things you are. Consider the fact that for your entire life on earth so far, your mother has been an important part of your daily life. Is it reasonable to expect that, barely five months after her death, you would be able to think of her without being moved to tears? Five months is a very short span of time, considering the magnitude of your loss - and because the initial shock and disbelief that normally serve to cushion a blow like this are beginning to wear off, you’re probably just now feeling the full force of belief. This is normal and to be expected. I did everything that you could imagine to deal with it as well, and you will never get over it, but it will get easier to live with.
 
Your description of feeling as if you’re on a roller-coaster couldn’t be more accurate - it is as if you’re stuck on a terrifying, nightmarish ride that you never asked to get on, you have no control over the ups and downs of it, you don’t want to be there, you have no way to predict when the ride will end, and you want desperately to get off as quickly as possible, but the person running the ride is nowhere in sight. You feel dizzy, nauseated, terrified, disoriented and confused, and your entire world has been turned completely upside down. Nothing feels right, and you don’t know when it all will end. Is there any more accurate description of grief than this? All I can tell you is that, gradually and over time, the ups and downs of this ride begin to level off somewhat. It won’t always feel as bad as it does right now, and eventually you will regain your bearings.
 
You say you want to “keep it together” because you don’t like “falling apart” in front of your family. I don’t know what other family members you’re referring to (husband, children, siblings etc.) but may I suggest that if and when they find you crying, you can simply reassure them that it’s not because of anything they did or failed to do that has you upset - and then you can go on to explain that you are simply feeling very, very sad because you’re missing Mom so much right now. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your family an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Refusing to cry in front of your family may lead them to wonder if you would cry if they died! Children and other family members need to know that crying is a natural and healthy way to release emotions.
 
You say you don’t want your dad to feel lonely - and yet, isn’t this exactly how you would expect him to feel at this point in his own grief journey? You cannot bring your mother back to him in a physical sense, but I wonder what would happen if together with your dad and your other family members you could find some ways to remember your mom, to bring her back in a different way, by bringing her to life in your conversations with one another? You can model reminiscing and talking openly about how much your mother meant to you and your family; you can go through photo albums and share special stories and find all sorts of ways to keep her memory alive, in your minds and in your hearts. So often we keep ourselves from mentioning the person who has died for fear of upsetting the bereaved — but do you really think your dad is thinking of anyone BUT your mother anyway? Maybe he is longing to hear someone speak her name and to talk about how much he misses her.
 
Finally, you say you’re not sure whether writing about all of this is helpful or whether it simply reminds you of how much you’ve lost. I suspect it’s both, but I want to encourage you to think not just of how much you’ve lost, but also of what you still have that your mother has given to you, to your dad and to the rest of the family, and to everyone else whose lives your mother touched in one way or another. How would she want to be remembered by you? What is the legacy that she has left to you? What has she given to you that will sustain you now, as you learn other ways of keeping her here with you, now that you are no longer separated by time and space and distance? Death may have ended your mother’s life, but it has not canceled it. She will always be your mother, and you will always be her daughter. She will always be a part of who you are, and the relationship you have with her will live forever. This helped soothe my pain and I hope it  helps in soothing yours. Wishing you peace and healing….

Posted under Women's Advice