As single women, we often put conditions on our happiness.

We say, "When I get married, then I'll be happy" or "When I have children, then I'll be happy," or "When I have a nice family, a comfortable home, and a fulfilling, high-paying job, then I'll be happy."

We make the absence of loneliness one of the conditions of our happiness too. We assume that we can't be happy until everything is perfect in our life, which means no more loneliness.

But there's misery for single women when we put conditions on our happiness. We slip into the trap of postponing our life.



The Truth About Loneliness

Marriage doesn't guarantee an end to loneliness. Millions of married people are lonely too, still looking for a level of understanding and acceptance their spouse doesn't give them.

The truth is that loneliness is an unavoidable part of the human condition, as even Jesus found out. He was the most well-adjusted person who ever lived, yet he knew times of deep loneliness too.

If you accept the truth that loneliness is unavoidable, what can you do about it?

I think you can decide how big a role you're willing to let loneliness play in your life. You can refuse to let it dominate your existence. That's a daring approach. If you take a stand that bold, you'll only be able to achieve it if you rely on the Holy Spirit for help.

None of us turns to the Holy Spirit as often as we should. We forget that it’s the real presence of Christ on earth, living within us to give encouragement and guidance.

When you invite the Holy Spirit to supervise your attitude, you can become a happy person who knows occasional times of loneliness, instead of a lonely person who knows occasional times of happiness. That's not a play on words. It's a real, achievable goal.



Seeing What's at Stake

To be dominated by happiness instead of loneliness, you have to admit that the calendar is turning on you. You have to see that every day spent feeling lonely and miserable is a day you can never get back.

I wish I had understood that in my 20s and 30s. Now, as I get older, I realize that every moment is precious. Once they're gone, they're gone. You can't allow the enemy to steal them from you through the temptation of loneliness.

Loneliness is a temptation and not a sin, but when you give in to it and pay it undue attention, you're giving loneliness too much control.

One way to keep loneliness in check is to refuse to label yourself as a victim. When you interpret every misfortune as a personal insult toward you, your negative outlook becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, recognize that bad things happen to everybody, but you make the choice whether you'll become bitter over them.



Are We Praying for the Wrong Thing?

As I look back on my own life, I see now that I spent many years praying for the wrong thing. Instead of praying for a spouse and a happy marriage, I should have been asking God for courage. That's what I needed. That's what all singles need.

We need courage to overcome our fear of rejection. We need courage to reach out to other people. And most importantly, we need courage to recognize that we do have the choice to assign loneliness to a minor, infrequent role in our life.

Today, start saying, "I'm a happy person, who knows occasional times of loneliness. Loneliness doesn't rule my life as it once did," and you will begin to see the heavy burden lifted by the Holy Spirit.

Our happiness and confidence are directly proportional to the degree that we singles surrender our life to God. When you do that, you can know joy and contentment, limiting loneliness to the insignificant role it deserves.

A: It is not uncommon for Christians to have questions about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not come easy for most of us. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged.

I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive.

We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please Him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in His time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

We will know the work of forgiveness is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.

Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process. We forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom

Here are some common ways God talks to us:

- His Word
In order to actually "hear" from God, we have to know some things about God's character. We have to develop an understanding of who God is, and the way He does things. Fortunately for us, all that information is available in the Bible. The Bible goes into a lot of detail about how you can expect God to react, what kinds of expectations He has for us, and most specifically, how He expects us to treat other people.

- Other People
Many times God will use other people to try to get through to us. It's possible for God to use anyone at any time, but I find more messages coming from people who are practicing Christians than non-practicing ones.

- Our Circumstances
Sometimes the only way God can teach us something is to allow circumstances in our life to lead us to and through the very thing we need to discover. One of my favorite authors, Joyce Meyer, says, "There's no such thing as a drive-through break-through."

- The Still Small Voice
Most of the time God uses a tiny voice inside us to let us know when we're not on the right path. Some people call it "the voice of peace." Whenever we're contemplating something and we don't have peace about it, it's a very good idea to stop and carefully look at the options. There's a reason you don't feel peace about it.

- The Actual Voice
Sometimes we're able to "hear" something in our spirit that sounds to us like an actual audible voice. Or all of a sudden, you just know you heard something. Pay attention to those occasions because it is very likely God is trying to tell you something.

Q: It's been 5 months since my mom passed and I still can't think of her without crying. I just wish for the day when I can think of my mom without crying. Why does it seem to last for so long? I've been very depressed lately and some days are better than others, but it often feels as if I'm on a roller-coaster. I just want to keep it together for the rest of my family. I don't like falling apart in front of everyone. I wish there was an easy solution to all of this pain. I just want my mom back in my life. I want her to be here for me! I want my dad to not be lonely. I know he is. I don't know if writing this allows me to express how I feel, or is it just a reminder of how much I've lost?


A: You say it's been just "five months since my mom passed and I still can't think of her without crying." First of all, I recently loss my Mom and I’m experiencing and still dealing with exactly the same things you are. Consider the fact that for your entire life on earth so far, your mother has been an important part of your daily life. Is it reasonable to expect that, barely five months after her death, you would be able to think of her without being moved to tears? Five months is a very short span of time, considering the magnitude of your loss - and because the initial shock and disbelief that normally serve to cushion a blow like this are beginning to wear off, you're probably just now feeling the full force of belief. This is normal and to be expected. I did everything that you could imagine to deal with it as well, and you will never get over it, but it will get easier to live with.

This year getting stress out of your life will take more than just prayer. You must take action to get rid of whatever is causing you to be stressed out. You can learn to change the way you handle things. Jesus invited us to come to Him if we are overburdened. He promised to refresh us if we are weary, worn out, or overworked. Take time to go to Jesus anytime you feel that you are going over the edge of peace and into a stress mode. Let His presence refill and refresh the beginning of a Happy New You!!!

It is easy to get overcommitted, burned out, bummed out, worn out, and stressed out if you are trying to keep up with too many commitments during the holiday season. It is out of balance to try to do everything. If you are happy doing what you do, keep doing it. But if it wears you out and robs you of peace, don’t do it. What sense does it make to commit to something, and then murmur and complain about it while you are doing it?

Being overcommitted will frustrate you. Anxiety is usually a sign that God never told you to do what you are doing in the first place. To avoid frustration in your life during this season, keep in balance and have peace

I have a friend who is not of a born again Christian. He says that he believes and that he wants us to have an open relationship. I am afraid that I may give into a relationship with him that I may not know how to walk away from. I do not want God to punish me, but I am afraid to wait. It seems like I am just getting older. Should I trust him on face value that he will allow this relationship to be "no" sex, until a marriage or should I just walk away? I have been taught to wait for confirmation in seeking a "true" mate. How long do I have to wait?

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year now, we have so much in common, it keeps us fascinated, because we are so much alike. My only problem is that my 17 year old son makes me feel like I'm dating the wrong person and he tells me I should move on to someone new, because he is not the one for me.

It starts with your Christian walk. As you conduct yourself (on a daily basis) in a manner that non-Christians will observe, they will know you’re on a different path. They will not cross that path, unless they’re ready to walk it.

Q: How do you know who to trust? I've always had a hard time trusting women because I've been backstabbed so many times. But I noticed that a lot of powerful women have been coming into my path, which is what I asked God for. However, I'm not sure if I should open up to them and pursue a real friendship because I fear betrayal.