by Pat Earley

I absolutely love the summer months. I look forward to sitting in the sun for hours, working in the yard, planting flowers – everything to do with being outside. But just as I know that summer is only for a short time, I know that the weather will change without me doing a thing. I can choose to sulk about the warm months getting cooler or I can appreciate the last days of summer, prepare for fall, and look forward to the holidays – in essence, looking at the positive.

Marriage is a lot like the seasons of the year. Sometimes we feel like we are in the summer season where fun and laughter dominates; fall comes, and we are enjoying the beautiful colors of the tree leaves turning. Winter rolls in and yes, it’s cold. But with the winter comes the holidays filled with family and friends. Spring erupts and so does the flowers, and before we know it, summer has returned. Now with all these nature seasons, there is the yucky stuff as well. But have you ever noticed that we have a tendency to dwell on the good stuff because that’s what makes us feel good and happy and long for its return? Why isn’t that the case in our marriages? Why is so much easier for us to remember the yucky stuff than the good stuff? We can list faults for the next two hours of our husbands, but can we take that same time to think on the good things? What about the good and why do we have trouble remembering it? It’s all about perspective. Whether we realize it or not, we remember the yucky and replay it over and over until that’s all we see. So when something else happens, all the emotion that we have pent up and held onto comes blaring out. This is because in our mind the last incident just happened an hour ago when in reality it has been a year (or six months or a week) ago. But what do we do? In a word, change our mind.

We have to make up our minds that we are not going to let the enemy rob us of another minute or second of another day by dwelling on the “stuff” of our marriage. We are going to change our mind to appreciate the good and we are going to make it through the not so good. God ordained marriage and our “stuff” didn’t catch God off guard. He equipped us with everything we need to make our marriages work – including a Heavenly Father who promised to walk us through every season and to lead, guide, and never leave us. I’m not asking you to walk through your marriage oblivious to the yucky, but turn your heart instead to dwell on the good and continue to take the “stuff” to the Lord for Him to handle. It always works for out for our good.

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What a concept right? If I spend time with God, it will help my marriage? Yep.  Here’s how:

Seek His presence for you.  Wives today flip more hats and transform into more roles than ever before.  Along with those roles comes pressure, stress, fatigue, loneliness (yes, even in marriage), heartache and the often the self-imposed image of being perfect.  Taking time to be still and to enter into the presence of your heavenly Father allows you the opportunity to just be you - no pressure to be anyone other than the “you” that He made.  In His presence we lay down our masks, our struggles, our worries and climb into the arms of comfort in God.  In the stillness of His presence is where our strength is made new, our joy is restored and our peace is guaranteed.  In order for us to pour ourselves out and be the helper for our husband, we must first sit in the presence of God and empty ourselves out so that we can be filled with more of Him. 

Seek His presence for your husband.  Many times throughout history we have seen the pictures of husbands leaving to go off to war with the wife waving as he leaves.  Believe it or not, every time your husband walks out the door, he is walking into a war zone.  Yes, there is the pressure from the job, the anxiety to get to the job, or the stress involved in determining which bill to pay that we all mentally walk through.  But your husband has the unique struggle of remaining pure in thought and action in a society that has endorsed the concept of using sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars.  Believe me when I tell you that the enemy knows the weaknesses of your husband and the enemy knows that if he destroys your husband, the marriage and the family will go right behind him.  Seek God concerning your husband throughout the day.  Pray earnestly for your husband’s safety, for his prosperity in the workplace, for favor and influence and, yes, for protection from the devices of the enemy.  Listen closely to the voice of God and He will guide you in how to pray for your husband both on the job and in his ministry.  Some men will never tell you what they are struggling with because of pride or the fear of rejection.  But in God’s presence, He will give you insight and understanding that only comes from a loving Father.

Seek His presence for your marriage.  God created and ordained marriage, and therefore He blesses the covenant of marriage.  In the presence of God, all the concerns of your marriage become His concerns.  He will lead you in ways you may never understand, but He will show you how to build your marriage and how to not use your hands to tear it down.

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Winter is finally over.  The temperatures have soared upwards and all of us that love this time of year head outside to dress the yard by planting flowers and yes, this will be the year that we plant and maintain that garden that we promise ourselves every year.  After that long winter that we just had, we feel the need to make the most of the warm weather.  But how about our marriages?  If we are real honest about it, some of us have just come through a winter season in our marriage.   Or maybe not winter, but we all could use some spring cleaning and summer planting in our marriage.  Let’s borrow some tips from the garden to make our marriage the best that God has for us.

1. Prepare the soil with prayer.  I know we all can agree that good marriages don’t just happen.  When you combine two individuals with the stress of today and add in children, careers, elderly parents, the list goes on and on.  We have to bathe our spouse and our marriage in prayer.  Ask God to guide them and protect them, to give them wisdom and favor.  Your husband is the priest of the home that needs to have clear direction from God.  By giving your marriage to God daily, we honor God for His love and honor our husbands by releasing him to God to accomplish all things through God.

2. Plant the seeds.   One of the things that men actually need more than anything is the support of their wife.  Now, we may not always agree, but they do need to feel our support, whether it is with the children, the home — whatever, they need to know that we have their backs.  Plant those affirming words in your husband, at least daily, and let him know how proud you are of him, how you thank God for him and how you support his decisions.  These strong seeds will bring a bumper crop.

3. Tend the crop.  After you have bathed the soil of your marriage in prayer and planting seeds of support and affirmation, you have to become gardener of your marriage.  Fertilize the crops with a glance and smile from across the room at your spouse.  Bring him a tall glass of ice tea while he mows the lawn.  Men like to be surprised with acts of kindness - it makes them feel appreciated.  Oh, and like any gardener will tell you, you have to be careful to watch for weeds that can choke the seedling.  Seeds of unforgiveness, pride, selfishness and just plain bad attitude will kill out an entire crop if not dealt with.

4. Harvest the crop.  This is the easy part.  When you have taken these steps to garden love in your marriage, enjoy the bumper crop!  One more thing.  Multiply your harvest by sharing what you have learned with other women.  The joy will be overflowing.

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Somewhere between “Leave It To Beaver” and “Roseanne,” the whole concept of giving our husbands respect kind of went straight out the window, down the block and in the sewer.  What happened to wives that respected their husbands?  Okay, let’s not get this twisted - I’m not talking about being anyone’s doormat or robot. Ephesians 5:32-33 says that each husband should love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Isn’t it funny that right there in God’s word He doesn’t ask us to love our husband, but instead He tells us to respect him?  Oh, your husband still needs to see and feel your love, but I found this concept pretty interesting. Here we have God having to tell us to respect our husbands. 
We all know that women naturally are caring and giving - that’s just the way God wired us. But He took time out to make special mention for us to respect our husband.  God knew this wouldn’t come natural to us, but that we would have to put some effort into it.  But what do you do when he doesn’t hear you, or doesn’t show compassion, or doesn’t help around the house?  You still respect him. 

One of the things that we learned in our small group was that through respect men feel loved.  So how do we show respect?  The word says to “let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  Speak to your husband with respect.  The hollering, jerking of the neck and screaming so the neighbors can hear does not work and, if anything, it shuts him down from hearing anything you say.  Speak to him with respect, seasoned with salt and let God move on his heart in your regard.  See, that’s the advantage of having God as our Father.  God hears every conversation and knows the meditation of our hearts.  By treating our husbands with respect, we allow God to do the work on them (and us!) to accomplish what God needs to accomplish. 

When you think about it, regardless of what occupation your husband holds, nothing can replace the respect he craves from his wife.  One place to start might be to just ask him what makes him feel respected.  (Prepare for the blank “deer in the headlights” stare.)  It could be something as simple as greeting him when he walks in the door (umm, yeah, without the phone attached to your ear), or it could be just asking his opinion about a decision you are trying to make.  Whatever it is that lets him know that you respect him, isn’t it worth a try?  See, the reality is that the enemy will use any crack to get in and destroy your marriage - even your husband not feeling respected.  It just might surprise you how he responds to you in love

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One morning a few days ago, I gave my husband a kiss as we parted going different directions to our respective places of employment.  As soon as he was out of ear shot, my very good friend Kathleen asked “Okay, what’s the matter with you two?”  I proceeded to take the next few minutes listing all the things that Ken had done in the last 48 hours that just ticked me off.    Kathleen was patient and listened.  She stood there and looked me squarely in the eyes and asked, “But what if he doesn’t come home?  What if something tragic happens during the day and one of you doesn’t make it home?  Is all the anger really worth it?” I stood there speechless.  Wow.  Suddenly all those little things that had irritated me seemed so small and inconsequential now when I looked at the whole picture instead of focusing on the right now.

Trust me, I know our husbands have a very unique way of pushing our buttons unlike anything that anyone else can.  But what if they don’t come home or we don’t make it back in that door ourselves?  No, we shouldn’t live our lives in fear, but life is what it is and things do happen.  Have we gotten so focused and caught up in being heard and our feelings not being taken for granted that we can’t even see our husbands as our lovers anymore?  Yes, he is the head of the house and your partner in bill paying and raising the children, but what happened to him being your lover?  Remember how when you were dating, your face lit up when he called or came by?  Why has marriage turned the love of your life into the man you just blew past?  I know that life happens and we all have schedules, and the kids need to be places, and someone has to cook and clean, and then there’s ministry —- STOP!!!!  Before God created the children, the church, the activities, he created man and woman and united them together.  Take the time to fall in love again with your husband as your lover.  If you have a PDA or Blackberry or even a paper calendar, look at it right now.  Where have you included time with your soul mate?  If you are like me, it’s not there.  We as women keep calendars for everything else.  Spend time with your husband and write in some time on the calendar to spend alone.  It is so easy to put our marriages on the back burner without even knowing it.  We sometimes think time alone will happen — eventually.  It won’t.  This man is the gift that God gave you.  Whether the ribbon has fallen off or the wrapping paper has become tattered or torn or even fallen off, he is still a gift from God.  Look past the exterior and fall in love again with his heart.  You will be so glad you did.

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Last time we dealt with putting away our anger, clothing our responses to our husband in love, and got right to the dangerous word of submission.  Why is that word so hard?  Is it because when we think of submissive wives we think of women in robot form bowing to their husbands?  News flash.  That description doesn’t appear anywhere in scripture!!!  The ancient Greek word “submit” is essentially a word borrowed from the military. It literally means “to be under in rank.” It speaks of the way that a branch of government is organized among levels of rank. We know that as a person, a Private can be smarter, more talented, and a better person than a General. But he is still under rank to the General. He isn’t submitted to the General so much as a person as he is to the General as a General. In the same way, the wife doesn’t submit to her husband because he deserves it. She submits because he is her husband and she respects the office he holds in the family unit.  Therefore, submission means you are part of a team and the husband is “captain” of the team.  God has gifted us individually and has fitted us with our husbands so that our gifts compliment each other’s, not compete.  You may be the one gifted to handle the finances, but he, your husband, is still the captain.  What does all this have to do with communication?  Well, if you have ever observed any military movies, the captain is always spoken to with respect for the office he holds.  It doesn’t always make him right, but usually the responses he receives are “clothed” to convey the thought and not the anger.  One thing I know about most men is that the minute you start screaming at them the ol’ ears shut down.  This is the spot that the enemy waits for because no one is communicating.

I find it amazing the amount of couples who can have an argument, leave the house going to work or to the store and can be just as pleasant with strangers, but won’t have a word to say to the spouse that God has given them.  See, the real key with this submission issue is that it has nothing to do with whether or not your husband is “right” on a particular issue. It has more to do with lining up our lives according to the word of God.  There is nothing wrong with being angry.  The word of God says to be angry, but to sin not.  Hear me when I tell you that I have done the whole screaming, crying routine and I didn’t always get the result I wanted.  I started giving it to God – every issue.  God dealt with my issues, and with me, and in His timing. The results? Peace in my spirit and in my marriage.  Go ahead, try it.

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In communicating with our spouses, we learned last time in Colossians 3 that we are to daily put down anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language and to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  To clothe means to cover something up: to obscure or conceal something as if wrapping something around it.  Now I know you are wondering how do we clothe issues with our husband, right?  Here’s an example.  Your spouse is angry with you or something happened at his job and you are the recipient of the anger. You have the choice of reacting to what you are receiving and possibly extending “life” to it, or concealing it or “smothering it” with compassion and killing it.  See, one thing I have learned in gardening is that cucumber vines will grow and take over everything in the garden if they are allowed to because that is their nature.  After they have established the vine, then they produce fruit.  So it is with negative thoughts.  They will go in any area of our lives that we allow them to unless we smother them and as it says in verse 5 and put them to death.  If we don’t deal with negative thoughts either about ourselves or our spouses, that vine will start to produce fruit and the harvest will be bountiful: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language. Once this vine is left unattended, it will take over your thought pattern and lead to destruction of not only your marriage, but your very life.

Later in verse 13 it tells us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Hmmm.  Put on love.  Interesting concept - to choose to love.  Amazing, isn’t it?

So what do we do with our anger, negative thoughts, and bad attitudes?  We give them to God.  Verse 15 says let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.  That doesn’t mean we walk around like zombies not having emotion or not getting upset.  It simply means that we choose not to let the anger rule us.  It means we thoughtfully respond and not react.  How? Verse 16 says let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  It continues by saying whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.    All you do – do it in the name of the Lord Jesus – and then God, with all wisdom and knowledge, leads right into admonishing the wives to submit to their husbands.

And we will conclude there next month…..

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Communication, as we all have heard, is the foundation of any relationship, especially marriage.  To communicate means to convey feeling or thought: to transmit or reveal a feeling or thought by speech, writing, or gesture so that it is clearly understood.  The issue with communicating effectively is that in order to be able to express our thoughts clearly we have to first be aware of our thoughts. What does that mean? In order for us to convey our thoughts or feelings, we need to make sure that our thoughts and feelings line up with what God has to say about the situation.  So many times instead of taking our thoughts or feelings to our husbands and confronting them, maybe we should tell God how we are feeling about this situation first so that He can move on our behalf.  No, that doesn’t necessarily mean that He is going to go along with our game plan to confront our husbands.  Sometimes it may mean that He will correct our way of thinking first so that the confrontation can either be avoided or will be reduced to a conversation that leads to understanding and maybe resolution.

We know that we serve a God of order.  Isn’t it interesting then, that the third chapter of Colossians begins by speaking about our mindset in dealing with our thoughts, and right about the verse 18 lands us right in the middle of marriage?  Coincidental?  Not at all.  The most important relationship to God, second only to Him, is the marriage relationship.  In order for us to effectively communicate with our spouse, we have to line up our thoughts to all that is contained in the word of God.  Notice that there are only two sentences pertaining to marriage in Colossians 3.  One to the wives and the other to the husbands.  That’s it.  No long explanations needed.  Why?  Because verse 10 says it best:  we are to put on our new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.  This is to be a daily thing,  putting down anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language daily.  Doesn’t sound like the easiest thing to do, right?  It won’t be.  That’s why it has to be done daily.  Ask God for guidance and thank Him for His grace.  Verse 12 tells us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Look at that word clothe.  The word clothe means cover something up: to obscure or conceal something as if wrapping something around it.  You are probably looking at that word conceal and wondering how in the world are Christians suppose to conceal and not deal with it.  Let me explain.  If your nature is to react (yep, that means go off) instead of respond, which means to thoughtfully answer, then you need to conceal the instinct to react by wrapping that in compassion. 

And that’s where we will pick up next month….

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Wow!  The newspapers and nightly news tell the story.  The enemy is coming after marriages, and unfortunately winning at an alarming rate, including those that are of the body of Christ.  What hope do we have in our marriage working when so many people are walking away from their marriages?  It’s really simple- relationship.  Our hope is in the Lord.  Romans 5:2-6 says that we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us — they help us learn to be patient.  And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it, until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.  Marriage is a constant, evolving process that requires work, time, and reliance on the Lord.  Here are 5 “P’s” to start the building process.

1.  Make Your Marriage a Priority.  Nothing grows without care!  Other than the Lord, nothing and no one is to be more important than your marriage; not your parents, your children, that job, not even your ministry. If you are too busy to spend time building your marriage then you are simply too busy, and God is not impressed with your busyness.

2.  Plan time alone with just you and your husband.  Just as we schedule things in our planners,  Palm Pilots or pda’s, we need to schedule time with our husband – alone. The time alone can be an evening out or in the bedroom with the door close.  The most important aspect is that the two of you are there.
 
3.  Pray with and for your husband.  Ecclesiastes speaks of a three strand cord not being easily broken.  The first strand is God and strands two and three belong to you and your husband. Being in relationship with the author and finisher of your faith gives you access to His love, strength, wisdom and guidance.  Let God speak to your heart regarding what things to bring to your husband’s attention and what things that God will handle on your behalf.

4.  Treat your husband as the Priest of the house.  Before we start grunting and getting our neck in motion, remember the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords asked, not commanded, through Paul for you to respect your husband.  Respect is so key with men.  Your husband may go through a day of disrespect in the workplace and in the community, but he needs the respect of the woman that he has chosen as his wife.

5.  Praise him openly.  Not that superficial stuff, but words of affirmation can go a long way to letting your husband know how much you value him and your marriage.

We can soar like eagles in our marriages when we depend on God for the strength to do it.

Posted under Marriage

Wow!  The newspapers and nightly news tell the story.  The enemy is coming after marriages, and unfortunately winning at an alarming rate, including those that are of the body of Christ.  What hope do we have in our marriage working when so many people are walking away from their marriages?  It’s really simple- relationship.  Our hope is in the Lord.  Romans 5:2-6 says that we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us — they help us learn to be patient.  And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it, until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.  Marriage is a constant, evolving process that requires work, time, and reliance on the Lord.  Here are 5 “P’s” to start the building process.

1.  Make Your Marriage a Priority.  Nothing grows without care!  Other than the Lord, nothing and no one is to be more important than your marriage; not your parents, your children, that job, not even your ministry. If you are too busy to spend time building your marriage then you are simply too busy, and God is not impressed with your busyness.

2.  Plan time alone with just you and your husband.  Just as we schedule things in our planners,  Palm Pilots or pda’s, we need to schedule time with our husband – alone. The time alone can be an evening out or in the bedroom with the door close.  The most important aspect is that the two of you are there.

3.  Pray with and for your husband.  Ecclesiastes speaks of a three strand cord not being easily broken.  The first strand is God and strands two and three belong to you and your husband. Being in relationship with the author and finisher of your faith gives you access to His love, strength, wisdom and guidance.  Let God speak to your heart regarding what things to bring to your husband’s attention and what things that God will handle on your behalf.

4.  Treat your husband as the Priest of the house.  Before we start grunting and getting our neck in motion, remember the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords asked, not commanded, through Paul for you to respect your husband.  Respect is so key with men.  Your husband may go through a day of disrespect in the workplace and in the community, but he needs the respect of the woman that he has chosen as his wife.

5.  Praise him openly.  Not that superficial stuff, but words of affirmation can go a long way to letting your husband know how much you value him and your marriage.

We can soar like eagles in our marriages when we depend on God for the strength to do it.

Posted under Marriage