By Patricia Earley

We remembered last time how the women of old lived – and sustained – their marriages.  They loved the Lord most importantly and they loved their husbands.  Let’s continue there.

• Women of days gone by loved and respected their husbands.  Listen carefully.  No one is endorsing anyone being and continuing in an abusive marriage, whether verbal, emotional or physically.  But the Bible is clear. Women are to respect their husbands, whether they feel their husbands deserve respect or not.  The women of old made their husbands feel that no matter how they were treated in the street or on their job, those men knew that they were respected as the man of the house, the provider, the supporter and the lover.  Remember ladies, in this tough economy (that, by the way, was very similar to the one that Momma and Grandma lived through), the uncertainty of employment, the housing crisis and jail cells filling up with our young men, our husbands need to know that whatever happens out here, there is still love and respect to be found when they come home.  Don’t get it twisted here, I know many of us are right where the men are trying to make it. However, with men the ego is a huge factor of their makeup, which is why God said for us to respect them.  No, he’s not perfect, and no husband is.  But he is your husband and his love and respect needs to come from you first.

• The women of old acted like ladies.  This is huge.  Sometimes your husband wants to see the “lady” he married.  You know what I mean – the feminine side of you.  I believe that we sometimes are so led by our to-do list, the kids, the house, and on and on, that we get up moving and really don’t care what we look like or smell like—we just need to get stuff done.  When was the last time you were intentional in your dressing?  You wore his favorite color or favorite scent.  You wore a dress to church (ouch!) or really dressed up?  If you are anything like me, it will probably shock your husband.  And when he asks why, tell him you did it just for him….

The women of old had struggles and pain, poverty and sickness, but they kept going and growing – and so did their marriages.  Titus 2 says, “older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved by too much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”  Wow, did you catch that - so that the word of God will not be dishonored.  Loving your husband, according to the word of God, honors God….and builds your marriage.

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By Patricia Earley

I often think that somehow I was born in the wrong era. I mean, looking back through history at how the women of days gone by would dress and, well, act like ladies, to me sometimes appears to be a lost art. I remember when I was coming up how my Grandma on her way to church would have the hat, the shoes, the dress, the purse and stockings all matched up. While I praise God that we have freedom in how we dress to come to church without all the “requirements”, I sorely miss the attributes and the tenderness of the women of days gone by. While all of their marriages weren’t perfect, here is one glaring statistic – those marriages lasted. Today, for every 2 marriages, 1 ends in divorce – even in the Christian marriage. Our schedules are full, we are making double or sometimes triple the money, our houses are up to 4 or 5 times larger, we are liberated and we are woman, hear me roar, –but yet our marriages are crumbling right in front of our eyes. What is about the women of old that made them, sustained them and carried them through some of the hardest times in history? When you look at it, it’s very simple.

• Those women truly loved the Lord. Our mothers and grandmothers would pray first thing in the morning, all through the day and late at night. They were our first teachers of saying grace at dinner and the “now I lay me down” prayers at night. They prayed for our fathers and grandfathers, they started prayer meetings in the homes and took it to the streets. They prayed for their children and every child that came to their home. These were women of prayer. They walked with the Lord and read His word every chance they could. Most importantly, they modeled their lives according to the Word. They knew the meaning of relationship with God because they lived it out every day of their lives.

• Those women truly loved their husbands. Ok, let’s be real. Even the men back in the day had their share of struggles and issues, but when you looked in the face of their wives, you saw where those men got their strength. Those women cherished their husbands, through the good and the bad. And you know what else? They talked to their husbands in such a way that no matter what happened on the job, or what bill was due, the tone of the wife’s voice brought peace to the situation and encouragement to her husband. I’m almost sure there was an argument or two, but because these women modeled their lives according to the word of God, they knew what Proverbs 15:1 meant when it says “a gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.”

Next time we will look at how we can use their methods in our marriage.

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By Patricia Earley

Have you ever been in a heated discussion with your husband and you know for yourself that the argument is getting out of control?  Tempers are flaring, the tones are crazy, hurtful words are flying out of your mouth – and yet, you continue on with the argument.  Even when we hear that small voice whisper something like “let it go”, “walk away”, “be careful”, you still keep it going because you have a point to prove and you need to be heard.  Think about it.  Even when we hear the warning signs why do we, (and I truly mean we ) keep going?  Is it because if we walk away we appear weak?  Is it more important to “win”?

One of the things that I am learning in this season of my life is to let God be God in all things – in my life, marriage, with my husband, my children, my ministry.  When I decide that I can handle things better than God can, I have entered a very dangerous point that is bound to cause major damage.  Yet, isn’t that what we do when we persist to engage in a discussion when God has told us to “let it go”?   Do we think that we can say something in a loud voice that will trigger a response in our husbands that might change his heart or mind better than God can?  Don’t get me wrong, discussions will get heated sometimes, but it’s how we respond when the heat rises that God wants us (starting with me) to be mindful of.  We all are familiar with Ephesians 5:22 about wives submitting to their husbands, but let’s back up a verse to 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Therein is my “aha” moment.

Out of reverence for Christ.  My actions, my words and my tone should all be out of reverence for Christ.  See, when I’m hearing “let it go”, it’s God’s way of reminding me first of all, that He is right there in the room with me hearing my tone (yuck!), my words (ouch!) and seeing me snap my neck. He loves me enough to tell me to “let it go” because He knows where this is going to end up and how sometimes when things get heated, words are said that take months and sometimes years to repair.  Then, my Daddy God is telling me “let it go” because He wants me to trust Him.  Trust Him to do exactly what His word says – He will do exceedingly and abundantly above all that I may ask or think.  No, God is not a robot that will answer my command, but He will do what is right in His eyesight.  If it is to speak to my husband’s heart concerning me or if it is to correct me and show me a better way, so be it.  After all, He is God and His way is perfect.

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by Patricia Earley

Can you even believe that it is a new year?  2009.  There is something refreshing and invigorating about a new year, isn’t it?  Is it that we so desperately want to feel like we have a new chance or do we want to end some things from the previous year?  While I am all for that fresh breath of the new year, sometimes we really need to take a moment to reflect back to the previous year.  If you are like me, there were both good and bad moments, some things I wish I had done, and a few I wish I hadn’t.  But what about our marriages?  Are there some things that we wish we could have done differently?  Of course there are.  There may have been words said in anger or missed opportunities to encourage one another.  We all know that our husbands aren’t perfect – and neither are we.  But at times I am so good at taking some of the things that my husband says and hold them in my heart – especially the things that hurt me.  Those hurts start to spill over into what I say or how I respond. If I were to continue in that path, it would be just what the enemy wants; division, contempt, and disrespect.

I would never suggest that negative words should be brushed aside, but we have to be careful to release those hurts and fears to God and let Him renew and refresh us daily so that our hearts don’t grow cold.  There is a scripture that has become one of my favorites and it is found in 2 Samuel 22:21 in the Message translation: God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed, I’ve kept alert to God’s ways; I haven’t taken God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Isn’t that awesome? God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.  He took the hurt, the secrets, and the quiet anger when I opened up my heart to Him.  Can you imagine God taking those things that caused so much pain and rewriting them so that we could live through the pain, and yet maybe help someone else who might be experiencing the same type of pain.

This year as we look back and start anew, let’s start with getting rid of the old “junk” and let God rewrite our hearts the way that He designed them.  Then, we can truly take our marriages to where God wants them to be – in His hands and for His design.

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by Pat Earley

I absolutely love the summer months. I look forward to sitting in the sun for hours, working in the yard, planting flowers – everything to do with being outside. But just as I know that summer is only for a short time, I know that the weather will change without me doing a thing. I can choose to sulk about the warm months getting cooler or I can appreciate the last days of summer, prepare for fall, and look forward to the holidays – in essence, looking at the positive.

Marriage is a lot like the seasons of the year. Sometimes we feel like we are in the summer season where fun and laughter dominates; fall comes, and we are enjoying the beautiful colors of the tree leaves turning. Winter rolls in and yes, it’s cold. But with the winter comes the holidays filled with family and friends. Spring erupts and so does the flowers, and before we know it, summer has returned. Now with all these nature seasons, there is the yucky stuff as well. But have you ever noticed that we have a tendency to dwell on the good stuff because that’s what makes us feel good and happy and long for its return? Why isn’t that the case in our marriages? Why is so much easier for us to remember the yucky stuff than the good stuff? We can list faults for the next two hours of our husbands, but can we take that same time to think on the good things? What about the good and why do we have trouble remembering it? It’s all about perspective. Whether we realize it or not, we remember the yucky and replay it over and over until that’s all we see. So when something else happens, all the emotion that we have pent up and held onto comes blaring out. This is because in our mind the last incident just happened an hour ago when in reality it has been a year (or six months or a week) ago. But what do we do? In a word, change our mind.

We have to make up our minds that we are not going to let the enemy rob us of another minute or second of another day by dwelling on the “stuff” of our marriage. We are going to change our mind to appreciate the good and we are going to make it through the not so good. God ordained marriage and our “stuff” didn’t catch God off guard. He equipped us with everything we need to make our marriages work – including a Heavenly Father who promised to walk us through every season and to lead, guide, and never leave us. I’m not asking you to walk through your marriage oblivious to the yucky, but turn your heart instead to dwell on the good and continue to take the “stuff” to the Lord for Him to handle. It always works for out for our good.

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What a concept right? If I spend time with God, it will help my marriage? Yep.  Here’s how:

Seek His presence for you.  Wives today flip more hats and transform into more roles than ever before.  Along with those roles comes pressure, stress, fatigue, loneliness (yes, even in marriage), heartache and the often the self-imposed image of being perfect.  Taking time to be still and to enter into the presence of your heavenly Father allows you the opportunity to just be you - no pressure to be anyone other than the “you” that He made.  In His presence we lay down our masks, our struggles, our worries and climb into the arms of comfort in God.  In the stillness of His presence is where our strength is made new, our joy is restored and our peace is guaranteed.  In order for us to pour ourselves out and be the helper for our husband, we must first sit in the presence of God and empty ourselves out so that we can be filled with more of Him. 

Seek His presence for your husband.  Many times throughout history we have seen the pictures of husbands leaving to go off to war with the wife waving as he leaves.  Believe it or not, every time your husband walks out the door, he is walking into a war zone.  Yes, there is the pressure from the job, the anxiety to get to the job, or the stress involved in determining which bill to pay that we all mentally walk through.  But your husband has the unique struggle of remaining pure in thought and action in a society that has endorsed the concept of using sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars.  Believe me when I tell you that the enemy knows the weaknesses of your husband and the enemy knows that if he destroys your husband, the marriage and the family will go right behind him.  Seek God concerning your husband throughout the day.  Pray earnestly for your husband’s safety, for his prosperity in the workplace, for favor and influence and, yes, for protection from the devices of the enemy.  Listen closely to the voice of God and He will guide you in how to pray for your husband both on the job and in his ministry.  Some men will never tell you what they are struggling with because of pride or the fear of rejection.  But in God’s presence, He will give you insight and understanding that only comes from a loving Father.

Seek His presence for your marriage.  God created and ordained marriage, and therefore He blesses the covenant of marriage.  In the presence of God, all the concerns of your marriage become His concerns.  He will lead you in ways you may never understand, but He will show you how to build your marriage and how to not use your hands to tear it down.

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Winter is finally over.  The temperatures have soared upwards and all of us that love this time of year head outside to dress the yard by planting flowers and yes, this will be the year that we plant and maintain that garden that we promise ourselves every year.  After that long winter that we just had, we feel the need to make the most of the warm weather.  But how about our marriages?  If we are real honest about it, some of us have just come through a winter season in our marriage.   Or maybe not winter, but we all could use some spring cleaning and summer planting in our marriage.  Let’s borrow some tips from the garden to make our marriage the best that God has for us.

1. Prepare the soil with prayer.  I know we all can agree that good marriages don’t just happen.  When you combine two individuals with the stress of today and add in children, careers, elderly parents, the list goes on and on.  We have to bathe our spouse and our marriage in prayer.  Ask God to guide them and protect them, to give them wisdom and favor.  Your husband is the priest of the home that needs to have clear direction from God.  By giving your marriage to God daily, we honor God for His love and honor our husbands by releasing him to God to accomplish all things through God.

2. Plant the seeds.   One of the things that men actually need more than anything is the support of their wife.  Now, we may not always agree, but they do need to feel our support, whether it is with the children, the home — whatever, they need to know that we have their backs.  Plant those affirming words in your husband, at least daily, and let him know how proud you are of him, how you thank God for him and how you support his decisions.  These strong seeds will bring a bumper crop.

3. Tend the crop.  After you have bathed the soil of your marriage in prayer and planting seeds of support and affirmation, you have to become gardener of your marriage.  Fertilize the crops with a glance and smile from across the room at your spouse.  Bring him a tall glass of ice tea while he mows the lawn.  Men like to be surprised with acts of kindness - it makes them feel appreciated.  Oh, and like any gardener will tell you, you have to be careful to watch for weeds that can choke the seedling.  Seeds of unforgiveness, pride, selfishness and just plain bad attitude will kill out an entire crop if not dealt with.

4. Harvest the crop.  This is the easy part.  When you have taken these steps to garden love in your marriage, enjoy the bumper crop!  One more thing.  Multiply your harvest by sharing what you have learned with other women.  The joy will be overflowing.

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Somewhere between “Leave It To Beaver” and “Roseanne,” the whole concept of giving our husbands respect kind of went straight out the window, down the block and in the sewer.  What happened to wives that respected their husbands?  Okay, let’s not get this twisted - I’m not talking about being anyone’s doormat or robot. Ephesians 5:32-33 says that each husband should love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Isn’t it funny that right there in God’s word He doesn’t ask us to love our husband, but instead He tells us to respect him?  Oh, your husband still needs to see and feel your love, but I found this concept pretty interesting. Here we have God having to tell us to respect our husbands. 
We all know that women naturally are caring and giving - that’s just the way God wired us. But He took time out to make special mention for us to respect our husband.  God knew this wouldn’t come natural to us, but that we would have to put some effort into it.  But what do you do when he doesn’t hear you, or doesn’t show compassion, or doesn’t help around the house?  You still respect him. 

One of the things that we learned in our small group was that through respect men feel loved.  So how do we show respect?  The word says to “let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  Speak to your husband with respect.  The hollering, jerking of the neck and screaming so the neighbors can hear does not work and, if anything, it shuts him down from hearing anything you say.  Speak to him with respect, seasoned with salt and let God move on his heart in your regard.  See, that’s the advantage of having God as our Father.  God hears every conversation and knows the meditation of our hearts.  By treating our husbands with respect, we allow God to do the work on them (and us!) to accomplish what God needs to accomplish. 

When you think about it, regardless of what occupation your husband holds, nothing can replace the respect he craves from his wife.  One place to start might be to just ask him what makes him feel respected.  (Prepare for the blank “deer in the headlights” stare.)  It could be something as simple as greeting him when he walks in the door (umm, yeah, without the phone attached to your ear), or it could be just asking his opinion about a decision you are trying to make.  Whatever it is that lets him know that you respect him, isn’t it worth a try?  See, the reality is that the enemy will use any crack to get in and destroy your marriage - even your husband not feeling respected.  It just might surprise you how he responds to you in love

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One morning a few days ago, I gave my husband a kiss as we parted going different directions to our respective places of employment.  As soon as he was out of ear shot, my very good friend Kathleen asked “Okay, what’s the matter with you two?”  I proceeded to take the next few minutes listing all the things that Ken had done in the last 48 hours that just ticked me off.    Kathleen was patient and listened.  She stood there and looked me squarely in the eyes and asked, “But what if he doesn’t come home?  What if something tragic happens during the day and one of you doesn’t make it home?  Is all the anger really worth it?” I stood there speechless.  Wow.  Suddenly all those little things that had irritated me seemed so small and inconsequential now when I looked at the whole picture instead of focusing on the right now.

Trust me, I know our husbands have a very unique way of pushing our buttons unlike anything that anyone else can.  But what if they don’t come home or we don’t make it back in that door ourselves?  No, we shouldn’t live our lives in fear, but life is what it is and things do happen.  Have we gotten so focused and caught up in being heard and our feelings not being taken for granted that we can’t even see our husbands as our lovers anymore?  Yes, he is the head of the house and your partner in bill paying and raising the children, but what happened to him being your lover?  Remember how when you were dating, your face lit up when he called or came by?  Why has marriage turned the love of your life into the man you just blew past?  I know that life happens and we all have schedules, and the kids need to be places, and someone has to cook and clean, and then there’s ministry —- STOP!!!!  Before God created the children, the church, the activities, he created man and woman and united them together.  Take the time to fall in love again with your husband as your lover.  If you have a PDA or Blackberry or even a paper calendar, look at it right now.  Where have you included time with your soul mate?  If you are like me, it’s not there.  We as women keep calendars for everything else.  Spend time with your husband and write in some time on the calendar to spend alone.  It is so easy to put our marriages on the back burner without even knowing it.  We sometimes think time alone will happen — eventually.  It won’t.  This man is the gift that God gave you.  Whether the ribbon has fallen off or the wrapping paper has become tattered or torn or even fallen off, he is still a gift from God.  Look past the exterior and fall in love again with his heart.  You will be so glad you did.

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Last time we dealt with putting away our anger, clothing our responses to our husband in love, and got right to the dangerous word of submission.  Why is that word so hard?  Is it because when we think of submissive wives we think of women in robot form bowing to their husbands?  News flash.  That description doesn’t appear anywhere in scripture!!!  The ancient Greek word “submit” is essentially a word borrowed from the military. It literally means “to be under in rank.” It speaks of the way that a branch of government is organized among levels of rank. We know that as a person, a Private can be smarter, more talented, and a better person than a General. But he is still under rank to the General. He isn’t submitted to the General so much as a person as he is to the General as a General. In the same way, the wife doesn’t submit to her husband because he deserves it. She submits because he is her husband and she respects the office he holds in the family unit.  Therefore, submission means you are part of a team and the husband is “captain” of the team.  God has gifted us individually and has fitted us with our husbands so that our gifts compliment each other’s, not compete.  You may be the one gifted to handle the finances, but he, your husband, is still the captain.  What does all this have to do with communication?  Well, if you have ever observed any military movies, the captain is always spoken to with respect for the office he holds.  It doesn’t always make him right, but usually the responses he receives are “clothed” to convey the thought and not the anger.  One thing I know about most men is that the minute you start screaming at them the ol’ ears shut down.  This is the spot that the enemy waits for because no one is communicating.

I find it amazing the amount of couples who can have an argument, leave the house going to work or to the store and can be just as pleasant with strangers, but won’t have a word to say to the spouse that God has given them.  See, the real key with this submission issue is that it has nothing to do with whether or not your husband is “right” on a particular issue. It has more to do with lining up our lives according to the word of God.  There is nothing wrong with being angry.  The word of God says to be angry, but to sin not.  Hear me when I tell you that I have done the whole screaming, crying routine and I didn’t always get the result I wanted.  I started giving it to God – every issue.  God dealt with my issues, and with me, and in His timing. The results? Peace in my spirit and in my marriage.  Go ahead, try it.

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