Last time we dealt with putting away our anger, clothing our responses to our husband in love, and got right to the dangerous word of submission.  Why is that word so hard?  Is it because when we think of submissive wives we think of women in robot form bowing to their husbands?  News flash.  That description doesn’t appear anywhere in scripture!!!  The ancient Greek word “submit” is essentially a word borrowed from the military. It literally means “to be under in rank.” It speaks of the way that a branch of government is organized among levels of rank. We know that as a person, a Private can be smarter, more talented, and a better person than a General. But he is still under rank to the General. He isn’t submitted to the General so much as a person as he is to the General as a General. In the same way, the wife doesn’t submit to her husband because he deserves it. She submits because he is her husband and she respects the office he holds in the family unit.  Therefore, submission means you are part of a team and the husband is “captain” of the team.  God has gifted us individually and has fitted us with our husbands so that our gifts compliment each other’s, not compete.  You may be the one gifted to handle the finances, but he, your husband, is still the captain.  What does all this have to do with communication?  Well, if you have ever observed any military movies, the captain is always spoken to with respect for the office he holds.  It doesn’t always make him right, but usually the responses he receives are “clothed” to convey the thought and not the anger.  One thing I know about most men is that the minute you start screaming at them the ol’ ears shut down.  This is the spot that the enemy waits for because no one is communicating.

I find it amazing the amount of couples who can have an argument, leave the house going to work or to the store and can be just as pleasant with strangers, but won’t have a word to say to the spouse that God has given them.  See, the real key with this submission issue is that it has nothing to do with whether or not your husband is “right” on a particular issue. It has more to do with lining up our lives according to the word of God.  There is nothing wrong with being angry.  The word of God says to be angry, but to sin not.  Hear me when I tell you that I have done the whole screaming, crying routine and I didn’t always get the result I wanted.  I started giving it to God – every issue.  God dealt with my issues, and with me, and in His timing. The results? Peace in my spirit and in my marriage.  Go ahead, try it.

Posted under Marriage

In communicating with our spouses, we learned last time in Colossians 3 that we are to daily put down anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language and to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  To clothe means to cover something up: to obscure or conceal something as if wrapping something around it.  Now I know you are wondering how do we clothe issues with our husband, right?  Here’s an example.  Your spouse is angry with you or something happened at his job and you are the recipient of the anger. You have the choice of reacting to what you are receiving and possibly extending “life” to it, or concealing it or “smothering it” with compassion and killing it.  See, one thing I have learned in gardening is that cucumber vines will grow and take over everything in the garden if they are allowed to because that is their nature.  After they have established the vine, then they produce fruit.  So it is with negative thoughts.  They will go in any area of our lives that we allow them to unless we smother them and as it says in verse 5 and put them to death.  If we don’t deal with negative thoughts either about ourselves or our spouses, that vine will start to produce fruit and the harvest will be bountiful: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language. Once this vine is left unattended, it will take over your thought pattern and lead to destruction of not only your marriage, but your very life.

Later in verse 13 it tells us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Hmmm.  Put on love.  Interesting concept – to choose to love.  Amazing, isn’t it?

So what do we do with our anger, negative thoughts, and bad attitudes?  We give them to God.  Verse 15 says let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.  That doesn’t mean we walk around like zombies not having emotion or not getting upset.  It simply means that we choose not to let the anger rule us.  It means we thoughtfully respond and not react.  How? Verse 16 says let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  It continues by saying whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.    All you do – do it in the name of the Lord Jesus – and then God, with all wisdom and knowledge, leads right into admonishing the wives to submit to their husbands.

And we will conclude there next month…..

Posted under Marriage

Communication, as we all have heard, is the foundation of any relationship, especially marriage.  To communicate means to convey feeling or thought: to transmit or reveal a feeling or thought by speech, writing, or gesture so that it is clearly understood.  The issue with communicating effectively is that in order to be able to express our thoughts clearly we have to first be aware of our thoughts. What does that mean? In order for us to convey our thoughts or feelings, we need to make sure that our thoughts and feelings line up with what God has to say about the situation.  So many times instead of taking our thoughts or feelings to our husbands and confronting them, maybe we should tell God how we are feeling about this situation first so that He can move on our behalf.  No, that doesn’t necessarily mean that He is going to go along with our game plan to confront our husbands.  Sometimes it may mean that He will correct our way of thinking first so that the confrontation can either be avoided or will be reduced to a conversation that leads to understanding and maybe resolution.

We know that we serve a God of order.  Isn’t it interesting then, that the third chapter of Colossians begins by speaking about our mindset in dealing with our thoughts, and right about the verse 18 lands us right in the middle of marriage?  Coincidental?  Not at all.  The most important relationship to God, second only to Him, is the marriage relationship.  In order for us to effectively communicate with our spouse, we have to line up our thoughts to all that is contained in the word of God.  Notice that there are only two sentences pertaining to marriage in Colossians 3.  One to the wives and the other to the husbands.  That’s it.  No long explanations needed.  Why?  Because verse 10 says it best:  we are to put on our new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.  This is to be a daily thing,  putting down anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language daily.  Doesn’t sound like the easiest thing to do, right?  It won’t be.  That’s why it has to be done daily.  Ask God for guidance and thank Him for His grace.  Verse 12 tells us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Look at that word clothe.  The word clothe means cover something up: to obscure or conceal something as if wrapping something around it.  You are probably looking at that word conceal and wondering how in the world are Christians suppose to conceal and not deal with it.  Let me explain.  If your nature is to react (yep, that means go off) instead of respond, which means to thoughtfully answer, then you need to conceal the instinct to react by wrapping that in compassion. 

And that’s where we will pick up next month….

Posted under Marriage

Wow!  The newspapers and nightly news tell the story.  The enemy is coming after marriages, and unfortunately winning at an alarming rate, including those that are of the body of Christ.  What hope do we have in our marriage working when so many people are walking away from their marriages?  It’s really simple- relationship.  Our hope is in the Lord.  Romans 5:2-6 says that we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us — they help us learn to be patient.  And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it, until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.  Marriage is a constant, evolving process that requires work, time, and reliance on the Lord.  Here are 5 “P’s” to start the building process.

1.  Make Your Marriage a Priority.  Nothing grows without care!  Other than the Lord, nothing and no one is to be more important than your marriage; not your parents, your children, that job, not even your ministry. If you are too busy to spend time building your marriage then you are simply too busy, and God is not impressed with your busyness.

2.  Plan time alone with just you and your husband.  Just as we schedule things in our planners,  Palm Pilots or pda’s, we need to schedule time with our husband – alone. The time alone can be an evening out or in the bedroom with the door close.  The most important aspect is that the two of you are there.
 
3.  Pray with and for your husband.  Ecclesiastes speaks of a three strand cord not being easily broken.  The first strand is God and strands two and three belong to you and your husband. Being in relationship with the author and finisher of your faith gives you access to His love, strength, wisdom and guidance.  Let God speak to your heart regarding what things to bring to your husband’s attention and what things that God will handle on your behalf.

4.  Treat your husband as the Priest of the house.  Before we start grunting and getting our neck in motion, remember the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords asked, not commanded, through Paul for you to respect your husband.  Respect is so key with men.  Your husband may go through a day of disrespect in the workplace and in the community, but he needs the respect of the woman that he has chosen as his wife.

5.  Praise him openly.  Not that superficial stuff, but words of affirmation can go a long way to letting your husband know how much you value him and your marriage.

We can soar like eagles in our marriages when we depend on God for the strength to do it.

Posted under Marriage

Wow!  The newspapers and nightly news tell the story.  The enemy is coming after marriages, and unfortunately winning at an alarming rate, including those that are of the body of Christ.  What hope do we have in our marriage working when so many people are walking away from their marriages?  It’s really simple- relationship.  Our hope is in the Lord.  Romans 5:2-6 says that we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us — they help us learn to be patient.  And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it, until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.  Marriage is a constant, evolving process that requires work, time, and reliance on the Lord.  Here are 5 “P’s” to start the building process.

1.  Make Your Marriage a Priority.  Nothing grows without care!  Other than the Lord, nothing and no one is to be more important than your marriage; not your parents, your children, that job, not even your ministry. If you are too busy to spend time building your marriage then you are simply too busy, and God is not impressed with your busyness.

2.  Plan time alone with just you and your husband.  Just as we schedule things in our planners,  Palm Pilots or pda’s, we need to schedule time with our husband – alone. The time alone can be an evening out or in the bedroom with the door close.  The most important aspect is that the two of you are there.

3.  Pray with and for your husband.  Ecclesiastes speaks of a three strand cord not being easily broken.  The first strand is God and strands two and three belong to you and your husband. Being in relationship with the author and finisher of your faith gives you access to His love, strength, wisdom and guidance.  Let God speak to your heart regarding what things to bring to your husband’s attention and what things that God will handle on your behalf.

4.  Treat your husband as the Priest of the house.  Before we start grunting and getting our neck in motion, remember the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords asked, not commanded, through Paul for you to respect your husband.  Respect is so key with men.  Your husband may go through a day of disrespect in the workplace and in the community, but he needs the respect of the woman that he has chosen as his wife.

5.  Praise him openly.  Not that superficial stuff, but words of affirmation can go a long way to letting your husband know how much you value him and your marriage.

We can soar like eagles in our marriages when we depend on God for the strength to do it.

Posted under Marriage

Wow!  The statistics are real.  The divorce rate is through the roof, even in Christian marriages.  What happened to the day of your wedding when you were so in love, the sky was blue and the birds were chirping a beautiful song?  Life happened.  Mortgages, children, jobs, mean words, hurt feelings, broken promises, and the birds flew away – Life!  Time passes and those hurt feelings are not dealt with.  You want to talk about your hurts but somewhere inside is a tiny voice that tells you that you will only open yourself up to more hurt.  What do you do?

When our heart has been broken or things have happened to us physically or emotionally, we communicate out of that emotion.  Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”  Sometimes we take the guarding of our heart to a military stance.  We store our emotions and our feelings in our own private vault so that no one will ever hurt us again. There we are all safe and enclosed in our protected shell and no one can get in.  The problem is that none of that bitterness gets out either.  That very bitterness that we nurse is the bitterness that we project on our husbands.  We can’t deny the hurt, the pain, and the misuse of trust.  But in doing so we deny ourselves the healing that we so desperately need and the marriage that God has called us for.

The best strategy to turn that “like” back into love is to love and honor him. I can hear you already- But he hurt me and that hurt is real.  We can’t deny the hurt, but if we are to have our relational needs met then we have to forgive.

He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. -Proverbs 17:9

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11

By releasing the hurt, we are able to fully forgive our husbands and allow God to heal our hearts. How do we do that?

1.     Ask God to help you forgive.  Why?  Because God tells us to forgive over and over again -70×7.  (Matthew 18:21-22)

2.     Pray.  Ask God to lead you in all matters, especially those concerning your husband.  God created marriage.  He knows that your heart will be tender and that this step will be hard, but He will help you.

3.     Surround yourself with people that are encouraging, supportive, and that will hold you accountable for how you treat your husband. The bottom line here is that you are accountable to God for how you treat him.

Will the change happen overnight? Nope!  Not gonna happen.  But it will come. It is going to take sacrifice by forgiving, speaking in love (even when you don’t really feel like it), and seeking God even more.  The reward is far greater than you can imagine.

-Patricia Earley

Posted under Marriage